Why I don't discourage my girls using physical force with each other
We don't generally encourage violence in our house but...
The rules are:
When someone (children and parents included too) is doing something to you that you don't like or didn't consent to you say:
"Stop that please".
If they don't stop you stay it louder and firmer:
"Stop!" - in case they didn't hear you the first time.
If they still don't stop you say it even louder and add more emphasis. In our house it's okay to shout at this point and even add in a swearword.
"Stop! Stop! Fucking stop!" - the loudness (and swearing!) attracts the attention of those around them who may be able to step in and help - aka any caring grownups around them.
If they still don't stop then you are allowed to use your body to defend and protect yourself.
Those are the basic rules and there are some important notes:
You can hit the person on the arm or leg.
You can never hit a family member on the face, or between the legs - as these are sensitive places. If it is someone you don't know then you are allowed to go for the sensitive spots.
My girls aren't prone to wrestling and it never escalates beyond a single slap, kick or thump.
These days it is rare to get to the physical violence part as the girls have learnt to listen now, and reached enough maturity to hold back from lashing out.
We value and encourage kindness and empathy, but not in a situation where someone isn't listening to your "No" or your "Stop".
So why do I encourage this in my children?
I want my girls to know there is a time and a place for this kind of response.
I want to normalise it, and give them a safe space in which to practice it.
It is important they get emotionally comfortable and physically confident doing this, so that they can react the same way if someone outside of the family was doing something to them. I want it to be second nature for them to be assertive and aggressive if necessary. I want them to know it is okay to stand up for themselves and defend themselves, they do not have to be a "nice girl" or feel bound by internalised family rules about hitting people.
If they find themselves in an unwanted situation they know that making noise, swearing, and reacting physically is likely to attract attention from those around them who might be likely to help, and also this is a repellent for any potential perpetrator/abductor.
It is also a part of the greater consent conversation which is something I am always finding creative ways to bring to my girls.
Full disclosure, I don’t know if I would have the exact same rules if I had sons as generally boys are socialised differently. So feel free to adjust and adapt this to your own family dynamics.
If you skimmed:
we are okay with our girls being vocal and physical when someone in the family is doing something to them they don't like or haven't consented to
this is important because I want to normalise this response so they have the confidence to react accordingly and stand up for and defend themselves if this happens with someone outside of the family