That time I had to look up Or.gasm in the dictionary
Thursday 1:40pm, biology class sometime in the mid 90's
Ms Cotter asks for a volunteer to read aloud from page 302 of our textbook. Katie who sits in the row in front of me raises her hand, and at the nod of Ms Cotter she begins:
"An orgasm is...I mean an organism!...." she stops as the class erupts in giggles.
I look up from my book to see Ms Cotter suppressing a smile as she calls for our attention. I start to laugh along with everyone, willing my forced laughter to muffle the deep embarrasment I feel at not knowing what is obviously, by the sounds of the laughter, a powerful and taboo word.
As soon as I get home that afternoon I go to our family bookshelf and pull off the huge dictionary and I look up "Orgasm":
orgasm noun. climax of sexual excitement
Ah that explains the laughter, but WhyTF have my parents not told me about this, and WhyTF was it not even mentioned in our sex ed lesson at school? It sounds kind of important...
Then I recall a few months ago when my mother shared with me a poem she wrote about the sea, with a wave building and cresting and crashing to the shore. After she read it to me she told me it was about sex. I didn't really get what she meant at the time and my embarrassment at my mother, (my mother! ), reading me a poem she wrote, (SHE wrote), about sex stopped me engaging in further conversation about it. Now it makes sense...
Hhhmmmmm. My 13 year old mind was a little bit blown...
...And here I am 30ish years later, doing the work I do, hoping to create ripples of change amongst 13year olds (and their parents), today.
So mamas, papas, parents and guardians, please remember to talk about pleasure when you talk anything sex related with your kids, (age appropriately of course).
This is how I have done so with my own daughters:
(feel free to tweak and use the example scripts with your kids)
Toddler age - tell them the name for their clitoris and that its purpose is to make you feel good.
Eg: "Okay now wash your feet...now your legs...don't forget your bottom and your vulva. Remember we don't put soap inside our vulva because our clever vulva cleans itself. There's a little pearl at the top of your vulva, that's your clitoris, and it feels really good when you touch it".
Primary school age - when we talk about sex for reproduction I also add in that it feels good and most of the time that's why we do it - to feel good, not just to make babies.
Eg: "And as well as for making babies we often have sex just because it feels really good".
Tween age - specifically tell them about orgasms.
Eg: "Hey sweetie, you know how we had that converstation about what sex is recently, I thought of something else I want to add - sex is supposed to feel good, and the good feelings start quietly inside your body and then they grow bigger to feel really good and often the good feeling can fill your whole body, this is called an orgasm".
And: "You can also have an orgasm by yourself when you give yourself pleasure".
Teens -I get more specific about pleasure and orgasms - from the mechanics, to how beneficial they are for your whole nervous system. Introduce them to the nuances of orgasms - and (especially for daughters) the important of sourcing them from themselves.
Eg: "Hey Sweetie, I know it's sometimes awkward when we talk about sex, so I will keep this short. But something that is often left out of sex education is pleasure and orgasms - especially female pleasure, so I would love to give you a book** to read some more about pleasure, and I think for me, what I wished I'd known at your age, was it's really helpful to be able to give yourself an orgasm before you try for one with a partner".
And for your sons who are interested in girls you could say something like: "Hey Sweetie, I know it's sometimes awkward when we talk about sex, so I will keep this short. But something that is often left out of sex education is pleasure and orgasms - especially female pleasure, so I would love to give you a book*** to read some more about pleasure, and I think for me, what I wished I'd known at your age, was it's really important to be aware of female pleasure anatomy - the parts of a woman's body that are different from yours that give them pleasure. It is also important to communicate when it comes to sex. What works for one woman might not for another, everyone is so different, and it feels really good when your partner is interested in your pleasure".
Remember:
Be led by your child, they will request more information if they want it. Ideally these are on-going conversations and the first time you have them you are planting the seeds for future conversations.
If it feels awkward you could try practicing aloud by yourself, or with your partner or a friend. Especially if you are not used to saying words like clitoris (try saying it 5 times in a row, then 5 more until it looses some of its 'taboo').
The more you have of these conversations, the more likely your child will be to come to you when they have questions or challenges relating to sex and intimate relationships.
As always my inbox is open for any questions - and there is no such thing as a silly question.
**this book is great! A Teen Girl's Guide to Getting Off. It's an Australian book, short and super accessible, it covers pleasure and orgasms as well as all things anatomy, how to tell if you are ready for sex, safe sex, sexual expression etc. (This is an affiliate link which means if you choose to buy via by the link then Amazon will send me a little love, which I can then put towards buying more resources for my workshops).
***the above book also has a note for "all the boys who have picked up this book" which is genius and encourages them to read on to learn about women's bodies.
If you skimmed:
Thank you Katie for introducing me to the concept of an orgasm
Parents, please include pleasure (age appropriately) when you talk about sex with your kids
Being a proactive parent and having these conversations will mean your child is more likely to come to you when they have questions
Feel free to hit me up with your questions, reflections, experiences hello @ tellyourdaughters.com.au