How (and why) to cultivate the "Check in" with your tweens and teens
As children come into their teens they start to become much more aware of the world around them in an actively analytical way rather than the more passive experiential way of the childhood years.
While early childhood is typically about the self - with the external world viewed through the lens of their internal life - as they come into the tween years they are slowly becoming more aware of others in the world around them. In these years they are beginning to develop more empathy, more rationality, and a greater sense of right and wrong. They are developing the ability to put themselves in "another's shoes" and see perspectives other than their own.
When this happens there can be more emphasis on what is going on in the world around them, than in their inner world. Other people's opinions and feelings can take priority over their own opinions and feelings.
While on the one hand this is great when it comes to them being able to see how their actions affect others, on the other it makes them more vulnerable to peer pressure and to making choices that serve others more than themselves.
If you know my work you have likely heard me talk about this before, the inner gaze verses the outward gaze, and there is a risk in the teen years of there being more emphasis on the gaze outwards - especially for teen girls who are beginning to internalise the cultural conditioning around viewing themselves through the eyes of the other - eg men.
So one of the things you can do to help your tweens and teens navigate this time is to give them the tool of the check in:
Basically a check in is a moment of stillness to turn inward and see what's going on inside with your thoughts, feelings and your inner voice - your inner tuition, your intuition.
This can be as simple as when your tween comes to you with a question about something that's going on for them at school starting with saying "Hmmm, gosh that sounds like a tricky situation. What do you think?".
Asking them this impacts on a few levels:
neurologically, questions fire up the problem solving part of the brain
emotionally, it shows that you see them as someone who has the know-how to answer this
it's also priming them to look within and to value that as well as what's happening on the outside
and it's teaching them to trust themselves
So my invitation to you today is to find an opportunity or two this week to help your tween or teen turn within, especially at times when the outer voices are loud.
Next week I will share some specific conversation starters that will help to cultivate the check in with your tweens and teens.
If you skimmed:
Children are 'self' centred in early childhood
As they come into tween and teen hood they become 'other' centered
It is important to help your tween and teens to remember to look within as much as, or more than, they look to the outside
It is especially important for your daughters because of the cultural conditioning they are also facing
A simple way to do this is to help them to cultivate checking in with themselves