5 ways to cultivate the internal check-in with your teens

The last post was about the importance of cultivating the internal check in with your teens.
In this post I am going to share with you 5 ways you can do this:

1.Ask their opinion on things (in different ways)

When you ask someone their opinion it is implied that you value what they have to say.
Start small and ask their opinion on little daily things:

• "What do you feel like for dinner this week?"

• "What colour towel would you like?"

• "This jam or that jam?" 

You can experiment with restructuring these questions too, and try asking them in different ways that will encourage a slightly deeper inner inquiry:

• "What does your body want more of in terms of nourishment and nutrition this week?"

• "What colour feels good to you?"

• "Which jam does your body say yes to?"

Even the little questions will help them to feel like their opinion matters and is important.


2. Ask questions that direct them inwards

When they have shared something with you ask questions that direct them to their inner experience of it, or their own opinion of it (verses the details of who, what, when or what others think or say about it):

• "Gosh what do you think about what she said?"

• "Hmmm, how did that feel inside your body when that happened?"

• "And when you feel that way what are some of the thoughts that you think?"

3.Random check ins

Random check ins are a quick effective way to remind your teen to "inquire within." Be careful to follow up the check in with an appropriate response, and see if it's something they want to go into further with you:

"Hey random check in, - scale of 1 - 10 right now?"
"Ah dang, that doesn't sound great, want to tell me a little more about that?"


4. Talk about your own feelings

This can feel vulnerable for sure, to show your human side to your kids. (Please don't go too deep or share things that could make them feel unsafe). This can be as simple as around the dinner table sharing a small incident that happened and how you dealt with it:

• "It really upset me when Jenny cancelled on me today, she did it last week too. I know she has a lot on at the moment, but it made me feel a little like she doesn't love me as much as I love her. I mean I know she really does, but my little heart doesn't understand this and just feels rejection".

• "I was a bit rude to a shop keeper today, I was so frustrated with them that I stormed out. I feel a bit embarrassed thinking about it now."

• "I am really missing my mum at the moment, I hate it that she lives in another country and it costs so much to visit her".

Showing your human side (in a grounded embodied way) is a great way to connect with your teens, it can help them to validate some of their own big emotions over the seemingly little things that happen.


5. Deeper moments of connection

When seeking a deeper moment of connection with your teen it is a great idea to do so while you are both engaged in something together and you don't have to make eye contact, like while driving or doing the dishes together, or an art or craft activity. These times are good to allow your teen the space to come up with answers themselves and to share some of their deeper thoughts:

• "I've been thinking about (insert something they shared with yourecently), and I am wondering how you feel about that now?"

• "I was reading how peer presure can feel so intense at this age, how do you deal with it when your friends are pressuring you?"

• "I remember when I was your age, I had some pretty dark thoughts sometimes, I didn't tell anyone, except my journal. I want you to know it's quite common to have intense feelings in your teen years. I am here for you if you want to talk"

Resist the urge to problem solve, and remember the intention here is to allow them to come up with their own thoughts, opinions and answers.


Remember:

Engaging with them with questions helps to:

• fire up the problem solving part of the brain

• show that you see them as someone who has the know-how to answer this

• primes them to look within and to value that as well as what's happening on the outside

• teaches them to trust themselves

Have fun connecting with your teens!


If you skimmed:

• Ask your teen's opinion on things

• Ask questions that direct their gaze inwards

• Randomly check in with them from time to time

• Talk about your own feelings (in an appropriate way)

• Consciously create deeper moments of connection