When I was a teen I told my mother I WASN'T having sex when I most definitely was...
I was 16. I had been with my boyfriend for about six months, and we had been having sex for the last couple of those months (we were each other's firsts). The summer holidays were coming up and we wanted to take a camping trip together. My mother freaked out about it. And so I told her what she wanted to hear and I convinced her that we weren't having sex, that it wasn't something we were interested in at this stage and she didn't need to worry.
The relief on her face was palaple. And I kind of couldn't believe she bought it.
So we were allowed to go camping. And, unbeknownst to her, we had lots of sex.
Now I am a mother myself, I have a greater understanding of her relief and her need to hear something that would reassure her.
Do I have the same fears for my daughter?
Yes and no. I certainly don't want my daughter to lie to me to protect me, but I still have fears.
Fears are so natural and a big part of healthy parenting. The key is to be aware of your fears, and to allow them to guide you rather than lead you, and to let them inform your inner inquiry, but not your reactions and responses to your children. A great way of doing this is via reflection questions.
Some reflection questions for you:
What fears do you have around your teen having sex?
What's the fear really about...unpack the details of the worst case scenarios in your head?
Where have these fears come from? (experience, your own parents, media)
Are there any practical things you could do to ensure your fears don't come true?
What hopes do you have around your teen having sex?
What are the hopes really about?
And what things could you do that are proactive in terms of nurturing these hopes into reality?
Take a minute now, grab a piece of paper, a napkin, back of that envelope lying next to and jot down your answers to these questions. No self censoring, just answer with openess and curiosity and see what comes up. Please feel free to email me with your answers, You know I love engaging with your thoughts and reflections. hello @ tellyourdaughters com au
In the next blog post I will share my own answers to these reflection questions.
If you skimmed:
I told my mother I wasn't having sex when I really was
She had a lot of fear around me having sex
I have been working through my own fears so I don't pass them on to my kids
Answer the reflection questions if you would like to work through some of your fears too
My inbox is always open.